Gather around, kiddies: it’s time for another life lesson from Uncle Lance.

     Since this is a site dedicated to reviews of all things cinematic, I’m cer-tain that nearly every last one of you reading this is aware of the impend-ing release of the ORIGINAL Star Wars trilogy from Lucasfilm(9/12/06 is the release date, for the unknowing few living in a parallel universe—we try to aid all who pass through these portals).

     Before you orgasmically cry out “Finally!!!!” be aware that George Lucas has only two intentions in performing this long-overdue, seemingly magnanimous gesture: first, to get all of us fanboys & girls to finally shut the hell up and quit whining about why he hasn’t done this before. The second reason is because he really, really, really, really likes money. Dinero. Wampum. Lira. Do-re-all-for-me-none-for-you. These first and second reasons given, make no mistake, are entirely interchangeable with one another.

     The Think About It Section: From the instant Star Wars was released in theaters way back in 1977 and made Lucas a household name on every inch of the globe(there are starving children in Africa who haven’t eaten tonight, but know what the heck a Wookiee is), ol’ G.L. has been manipu-lating the zeitgeist of the loyal fan base with tales of his plotted epic, origi-nally to be told in 9 parts instead of three, if he had only time and money. He has for years lain down fragile, spindly innuendos as to the origins of Vader and other characters to maintain interest in his trilogy while he branched into other areas of interest and partnerships to keep the cash flow coming in(by the way, thanks for Raiders, George—and Steven!) He licensed comics(no sin in that—everyone does it, fairly expected), the very first non-canon Star Wars novel(“Splinter of the Mind’s Eye” by Alan Dean Foster, the first and arguably best of the “approved” novels) and of course toys, which is where the bulk of his money came from(somewhere a former 20th Century Fox exec must still be hitting the bottle over giving Lucas complete and total rights to all merchandising, just as every single studio in Hollywood that rejected the initial concept of Star Wars continues to kick themselves in the pants nearly thirty years later). Then the cinematic fail-ures came slowly rolling in: Howard the Duck. Radioland Murders. Tucker. What to do, what to do…? Yes, that’s it—start a new trilogy! But for that, you need what, class—all together…money. $$$
     
     Thus did the plot to rape the wallets of the Star Wars fans begin.
     
     All of a sudden, Lucas’ original version of his beautiful trilogy that inspired so many suddenly wasn’t his actual, original vision as he planned it…turns out he was limited in the execution by the money and technology afforded him at the time. This is of course, patently absurd, when you consider the types of epics Cecil B. DeMille was coming up with back in 1956 with far less cash at his disposal—and that man had to part the Red Sea!(If you don’t know what I’m talking about, or who C.B.D. is, go to www.imdb.com this instant and brush up—otherwise, you have no right to be reading this article)
 
     So Lucas decided to theatrically re-release the original trilogy, only this time with episode chapters, to let fans know more was coming(possibly the long hinted-at episodes VII VIII and IX—if you want to know what the story-lines actually were, pick up Timothy Zahn’s “Heir to the Empire” trilogy of novels…these are the stories that were supposed to be films!) And like all of you, I bought it. I went to see the movies I loved again, ‘cause it was cool to see them…even if they now had episode chapters. So some time passed…and no new movies, no sequels. Okay, Georgie-boy…if you need time, I’ll wait. So after a while, it was announced more SW films would be released—only these would be prequels to the original trilogy. A bit odd, but it might be interesting to find out the real deal behind how a young Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin came to blows. So what did Lucas do?—released the original trilogy in theaters again. Only this time, it wasn’t the original original trilogy…it was a “special edition” trilogy, with really cool wrapping on the outside(cool titillating trailers promising new footage and more story, that made us wanna see the films) but with a slightly nauseating, soft inner goo once you bite down.
 
     I mean, really: did we need to see Han be justified in shooting Greedo in the cantina because Greedo shot first? Han Solo is a rouge, a scoun-drel, a smuggler, a criminal, a fucking pirate! And that’s what pirates do—they shoot their enemies first! Were any of us pleased to see Luke choose to fall to his death in Empire and scream like a little bitch on the way down? And of course, Lucas chose to make the special editions the only versions available on DVD from then on, because all of a sudden he didn’t like the original trilogy which put him on the map in the first damn place! Lucas even joked once in an interview that the reason he released the special edition—and I shit you not—was because “the Lucasfilm coffers were getting a little low”!

     Then the prequels came out.

     Don’t get me started, ‘cause I’m a black man, and just the thought of something like Jar-Jar existing makes me want to vomit in rage.

     So once again, Lucas decides to re-release the special edition trilogy (all I can think of as I write that is the classic Bugs Bunny where he goes “and so, having re-re-disposed of the monster…” it’s essentially the same thing here, y’know!) and this time replacing the creepy original version of Emperor Palpatine in Empire(actor’s face with monkey eyes superimposed) with Ian McDiarmid’s moderately sinister face. Not to mention the travesty of pasting Hayden Christensen’s barely-able-to-act punk ass into the celebration at the end of Jedi.

     And of course, we bought it. ‘Cause it had shiny new packaging. But of course, all that true fans wanted was the original theatrical trilogy we remembered from our childhood, and which put George on the damn map in the first place!(Gratitude, George…look it up! P. 509 in Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary)
 
     And so after the theatrical release of Revenge of the Sith, just in time for Christmas, came the release of the ORIGINAL trilogy on disc….quietly, like a chubby cherubic-faced old man in red sliding down the chimney. Or so it seemed. What it turned out to be was the special edition re-packaged with no mention whatsoever on any of the trilogy’s three covers that it was the special edition, so that the loyal legions who had pined and moaned and wailed and beat their breasts at the gates of Lucasfilm to have the original bestowed upon them could do nothing but unwittingly buy it and then go home and cry their eyes out(at least, you probably did…I don’t cry over nuthin’! Well, okay…the “hey, dad—you wanna play catch?” scene at the end of Field of Dreams. But if you tell anybody that--!)
 
     By the way, did anybody see the footage, around the time of the re-lease of Sith where George met the fan who won the NY Daily News’ ulti-mate SW fan contest? George greeted him with all the warmth one would an unexpected bout of syphilis, and a “Who are you and why am I talking to you?” look on his face as they shook hands. This scene perfectly sums up Lucas’ amount of respect for all of his fans—you, me, all of us. It was once put forth in an article that Lucas does indeed have so much money (making his “coffers a little low” line a steaming pile of horse-hockey) that it would be impossible for him to have a normal conversation with an average working joe like any of us. Having worked several jobs in the film industry and having had conversations with the likes of William Hurt, Annabella Sciorra, Will Smith and Wesley Snipes, I can say that for all their fame and power, they are genuinely pleasant people and can carry on a conversation with pretty much anyone “beneath” them(and what is with Annabella and her lust for tofu?) 

     So, what does Lucas do to thank all of the fans that what--? Yes, say it, you know the mantra: put him on the damn map? He FINALLY decides to release the untouched, unmolested, non-remastered actual ORIGINAL trilogy this coming September 12th…only it won’t be digitally restored the way it was for theatrical release. It won’t be in anamorphic widescreen, just standard letterbox(short version explanation: anamorphic widescreen is the absolute, complete theatrical experience the way you saw it, taking into account every inch of space shown in the shot with excellent vertical resolution as well as horizontal—very important! It formats itself to fit what-ever size screen you have, in order to retain the theatrical experience with a signal clarity unmatched by any standard. Anamorphic is designed so that when new HDtvs are released, with better picture resolution, it will still rule the land—in other words, your picture will still look fantastic because the anamorphic tech will not be outdated!

     Standard letterbox takes into account the theatrical aspect ratio as anamorphic does, but doesn’t fit itself accordingly to whatever screen it is shown on, and does not have superior vertical resolution. If you have a standard 27” tv, you’re fine…anything more, you’re pretty much watching a film as if you were peeking into a rectangular box, because your viewing system will have to compensate for the empty space by projecting grey bars or something else on either side of the image. For analogy’s sake, it’s the difference between widescreen—the best way to watch a movie until anamorphic was released—and the hated pan-and-scan, which has mostly fallen out of favor in newer DVD releases. Many DVDs are now beginning to be released in widescreen only, and many now thankfully in anamorphic. For the best possible layman’s explanation of anamorphic, go to www.thedigitalbits.com.

     According to Lucas, all original prints of SW and its sequels have been destroyed. Yes, you read that right—destroyed. Say it one more time, ‘cause I know you’re not believing it, just like I didn’t. Okay, maybe for whatever reason, the man who has championed film preservation for the last umpteen years had a Caligula-like freakout of insanity and destroyed all the negatives he owns. But it’s impossible for him to destroy the prints owned by private collectors. Or at Fox’s vaults. Or if the Director’s Guild had a copy. And especially impossible to destroy the ones that the Library of Congress must have on file of any projected/created material. So that doesn’t wash.

     And then, one of the gravest injustices of all is that the DVDs are being copied off of the laserdiscs which came out back in the mid-80’s. Yes, so if you own any of the laser discs from back then, you may as well just keep them…the visual quality will be just as good, if not better, than what the rest of us will be forced to buy(ha-ha, “forced”…no pun intended, really).

     George Lucas, through creative marketing, merchandising, publishing, music licensing, his official website(which you have to pay to join in order to access “special features” which ultimately turn up on DVDs anyway) and good old fashioned, made-in-the-U.S.A. hucksterism, has made billions off of his fans. People who wanted nothing more than to have an unblemished token from their collective childhood, when the world was not so tarnished and dark and unforgiving and dangerous as it is today.

     For the under-30 set who don’t understand why all of us old farts are railing and whining about this in such fashion, it is a type of safety blanket for us to own the trilogy in its original state. It keeps our worldview safe. By comparison, it’s the same feeling all you under-30’s get when you pick up the latest tabloid and read that today, just like yesterday, Paris Hilton is still a slut. It’s just comforting to know some things don’t change with time. And for us past-30 farts, it really shouldn’t be a lot to ask. But through his continual re-working and re-releasing of any version but the original Star Wars trilogy, Lucas has blatantly shown his unwavering disdain for the people who made him who he is today.
     
     More than fifty-something years ago, the actor Mickey Rooney made some unflattering comments about his own fans—fans who made him famous. The fans let their anger be known, and Mr. Rooney didn’t work again for nearly a decade. It’s time to let another who would proclaim him-self to be the manifest of vox populi vox Dei learn the same lesson. The following information is contact info for Lucas’ people, and I feel it’s import-ant to let it be known. Because if you feel as strongly as I do about the treatment of the fans—you, me, and yes, you over there—and the debase-ment accorded to what we know in our hearts to have actually been Lucas’ vision, though he decries it and tries to rewrite history, then you will want to contact the following person and let your voice be heard:

Jim Ward
Senior Vice President
Lucasfilm Ltd.
5858 Lucas Valley Road
Nicasio, California 94946
Phone: 415-662-1800 Fax: 415-448-2495
publicity@lucasfilm.com

     Let Jim Ward know that you expect a better release for one of the most popular science fiction mythologies ever committed to film, and one of the seminal moments in your childhood. Let him know how displeased you are with Lucas’ continual treatment of you as a fan, and that you want the best quality available with the digital technology of 2006 to be utilized on the ORIGINAL trilogy, and no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

     However, while doing so passionately, also do it respectfully…any studio head will not respond well to verbal threats or harassment. You must be vociferous yet gentlemanly at the same time…a hard tightrope to balance, but one well worth treading upon if we are to succeed at our ultimate goal. Trust me, there is still time for Lucas to do an about-face and give the trilogy the proper treatment it deserves in order to make this limited release one to treasure for the ages.

     I wish you luck, and I say the following with absolutely no facetiousness or irony…

     May the Force be with you.
Official Archives of LanceReviews...
Why George Lucas Continues
            To Diss His Fans
Beloved by sci-fi fans the world over. How could Lucas be so ungrateful and give it such short shrift?
Just as Kirk, Spock and McCoy represent the heart, soul and mind, so do Han, Luke and Leia.
Even though Alec Guinness did Star Wars for little more than a paycheck, he would probably be appalled at Lucas' treatment of his fan base.
Empire: regarded as the absolute best in Lucas' original trilogy. It deserves better treatment than what Lucas intends.
Although CGI allowed Lucas to make later light-saber duels slicker, the original between Luke and Vader is still the best.
Fans were stunned that Lucas eventually made the most evil bad-ass in the galaxy into such a wimp.
Jar-Jar makes one long for the days of Ewoks.
Will Lucas ever see fit to listen to fans, and reunite the old gang for episodes VII, VIII and IX?
There was more action, tension and earnest story-telling in the original 3 films, than the ones featur-ing the new crew below.
Lucas seems to have lost the resolve which once drove him to film earnest, heartfelt stories.