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Writing this review of Transformers is really hard, because the movie made my head hurt and I'm absolutely certain I lost I.Q. points while watching it. The movie, by schlock-director Michael Bay, is--as all his films are--an abomination.
Yes, I realize that only two sentences in, I have just alienated 99% of those reading this article. The movie is beloved by much of the country at the moment, for reasons which I understand in my head... but when reflecting upon the film as a whole, I just get the feeling that everyone I know has been bodysnatched, and I'm the last normal human on Earth.
Michael Bay, director of such meaningless blow-'em-ups as Arma-geddon, Pearl Harbor and The Island, likes to make BIG DUMB LOUD MOVIES. It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, or what thru-line the "plot" is supposed to follow. Bay directs his films with the mentality of a four year-old: as long as stuff blows up and makes big explosions, then -Wowee!- we're havin' some fun!
As anyone who has read my articles at lietv.com knows, I don't mind big explosions or great effects--so long as the overall story makes sense. Transformers only makes sense at the most lazy, minimal level. It's Welfare Storytelling: the director gets by with the bare minimum requirement in order to justify the effects, which are designed to get us into theaters so he can "earn" his paycheck.
There are so many gaps of logic within Transformers, that if Mr. Spock were to view this film, he'd hang himself from the theater's balcony. As a matter of fact, it's almost impossible to decide where to begin with all the reasons this picture doesn't work, and I so don't want to think about this movie anymore--but this is a site for reviews, and I don't do my work at the welfare level, so here we go...
The movie begins with a voiceover by head Autobots honcho Optimus Prime(voice of Peter Cullen). Autobots are the good guys in the film, Decepticons are the bad guys. Optimus and his crew are searching for The Allspark(yes, for God's sake, that's the actual name of the thing), a mysterious cube which eons ago gave life to all the biomechanical beings on their world. Sides were quickly chosen and went to war, which decimated their planet. The cube somehow van-ished, and both sides have searched the galaxy for it...until the day it somehow arrived on Earth.
We then are introduced to Sam Witwicky(Shia LaBeouf, the soon-to-be son of adventurer Indiana Jones), a typical high school nerd whose grandfather was an arctic explorer that went insane and died in a mental institution. Sam is a good kid with fantasies about the high school hottie, Mikaela Banes(the appropriately named Megan Fox) and who also has a notoriously cheap dad(Kevin Dunn) who takes him to buy the cheapest used car he can find. Sam and his dad head off to a used car dealership owned by one Bobby Bolivia(Bernie Mac), and here begins the display of one of Transformers' ongoing--and most repellent--flaws: minstrelsy among minority characters.
I have never liked Bernie Mac, personally. As a black male, I find his so-called humor unfunny to say the least, and the character on his titular show a shuck-and-jive take on black malehood, designed to please the white folk who sign his paycheck. In Transformers, Michael Bay must have simply asked Mac to play the same character, only bigger. Mac's character in this film is so underhanded, sleazy, and such a parody of a black male, that it tends to remind one of the old Uncle Sambo character of the darker years of this country. What Hollywood needs to understand is that it is humiliating for a black male
Yes, I realize that only two sentences in, I have just alienated 99% of those reading this article. The movie is beloved by much of the country at the moment, for reasons which I understand in my head... but when reflecting upon the film as a whole, I just get the feeling that everyone I know has been bodysnatched, and I'm the last normal human on Earth.
Michael Bay, director of such meaningless blow-'em-ups as Arma-geddon, Pearl Harbor and The Island, likes to make BIG DUMB LOUD MOVIES. It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, or what thru-line the "plot" is supposed to follow. Bay directs his films with the mentality of a four year-old: as long as stuff blows up and makes big explosions, then -Wowee!- we're havin' some fun!
As anyone who has read my articles at lietv.com knows, I don't mind big explosions or great effects--so long as the overall story makes sense. Transformers only makes sense at the most lazy, minimal level. It's Welfare Storytelling: the director gets by with the bare minimum requirement in order to justify the effects, which are designed to get us into theaters so he can "earn" his paycheck.
There are so many gaps of logic within Transformers, that if Mr. Spock were to view this film, he'd hang himself from the theater's balcony. As a matter of fact, it's almost impossible to decide where to begin with all the reasons this picture doesn't work, and I so don't want to think about this movie anymore--but this is a site for reviews, and I don't do my work at the welfare level, so here we go...
The movie begins with a voiceover by head Autobots honcho Optimus Prime(voice of Peter Cullen). Autobots are the good guys in the film, Decepticons are the bad guys. Optimus and his crew are searching for The Allspark(yes, for God's sake, that's the actual name of the thing), a mysterious cube which eons ago gave life to all the biomechanical beings on their world. Sides were quickly chosen and went to war, which decimated their planet. The cube somehow van-ished, and both sides have searched the galaxy for it...until the day it somehow arrived on Earth.
We then are introduced to Sam Witwicky(Shia LaBeouf, the soon-to-be son of adventurer Indiana Jones), a typical high school nerd whose grandfather was an arctic explorer that went insane and died in a mental institution. Sam is a good kid with fantasies about the high school hottie, Mikaela Banes(the appropriately named Megan Fox) and who also has a notoriously cheap dad(Kevin Dunn) who takes him to buy the cheapest used car he can find. Sam and his dad head off to a used car dealership owned by one Bobby Bolivia(Bernie Mac), and here begins the display of one of Transformers' ongoing--and most repellent--flaws: minstrelsy among minority characters.
I have never liked Bernie Mac, personally. As a black male, I find his so-called humor unfunny to say the least, and the character on his titular show a shuck-and-jive take on black malehood, designed to please the white folk who sign his paycheck. In Transformers, Michael Bay must have simply asked Mac to play the same character, only bigger. Mac's character in this film is so underhanded, sleazy, and such a parody of a black male, that it tends to remind one of the old Uncle Sambo character of the darker years of this country. What Hollywood needs to understand is that it is humiliating for a black male
--or any person of African-American descent, no matter how old--to pay their money for a movie designed to entertain, and find what basically amounts to a played out version of Steppin Fetchit represent-ing us for all to see. It is images like this which allow the N-word to continue to exist(and yes, I also blame rap music for this as well).
Sorry. Getting back to the movie now...
In disguise as an old sports car, the Autobot known as Bumblebee(voice of Mark Ryan) shows up at the lot and manages to ingratiate itself to Sam, whose dad agrees to buy it after Bumblee's stereo system blows out the windows of all the other cars, thereby leaving Mac with no recourse but to sell it to them. Thankfully, this is the end of Bernie Mac's only scene in the film. Meanwhile, in Iraq, a group of soldiers led by Captain Lennox(Josh Duhamel) are on patrol and are having Cute Interactive Dialogue to establish that they are friends as well as military comrades. However, there's a slight problem here as well with charcter establishment: as each of the troops reflects on what they're looking forward to most upon returning to the U.S., the only Hispanic soldier(Amaury Nolasco) tends to lapse into his native language when he gets a bit excited. Now yes, I have known Hispanic people who do this--but Bay has his other characters rebuke him, insisting upon two separate occasions that he speak English. Now, whether or not you or I or anyone else might share this view or even just think it, the oppression of another human being's right to speak their own language does not belong in a film like this(unless of course it's part of the central theme of the movie, or what the movie entire is about)!
Yeah, I know. Soapbox. But anyone who's read my review of that hideous shitfest Pulse over at lietv knows where I'm coming from.
The base where Lennox and his troops are stationed soon comes under attack by Scorpion, one of the Decepticons. Scorpion is using the attack as a distraction while the miniature Decepticon Starscream(voice of Charles Adler) uses the base's computer to search the Internet for info on the location of the Allspark. All the soldiers are killed, with the exception of Lennox and his men. They manage to severely damage Scorpion and eventually make it back to civilization and the aegis of the Secretary of Defense(played by Jon Voight), who with the help of an impossibly hot--and I do mean impossibly, because as soon as I saw her, I didn't believe her in this role for one second--computer hacker(Rachael Taylor) and Black Stereotype #952(the always unconvincing Anthony Anderson) have come to understand that Earth is facing imminent attack from alien visitors. One of the key leaps in logic comes into play here, when Taylor's character makes an assumption that the heretofore unseen aliens are based on biomech-anical technology. Keep in mind her assumption is based only on an intercepted Decepticon signal, and before any physical evidence has been presented by the soldiers who fought Scorpion.
Meanwhile, back in Unbelievable Land, nerdy Sam has managed to get Hot Chick Who Would Never In Real Life Date Someone Like Shia LeBeouf into his car, after she has taken pity on him for being picked on by her jock boy toy. Bumblebee pretends to break down, in order to spur an intended makeout session for Sam. This doesn't happen, as Mikaela instead focuses on fixing his car. Her dad was once a car booster, so she happens to know about engines. Bumblebee allows her to "fix" him and things go on their merry way...until later on, when Sam's car drives off in the dead of night by itself. Thinking his car is being boosted, he grabs a bike and gives chase, ultimately coming upon a battle between Bumblebee and one of the Decepticons. Sam brings Mikaela in on the know, and the duo are eventually introduced to the rest of the Autobots--Optimus, Ratchett (voiced by Robert Fox-worth) and, amazingly enough, Black Autobot Stereotype Jazz(voiced by Darius McCrary). How can an Autobot be a stereotype? Well, this one likes to play rap music, do hip-hop moves, has a black male's voice, and is called Jazz. It was at this point I considered walking out of the theater, but as a reviewer, I do have a duty to perform.
Optimus recaps the narrative of their origin from the beginning of the film (thereby rendering said opening narrative 100% unnecessary) and informs Sam that his explorer grandfather was actually the first to encounter the evil leader of the Decepticons, Megatron(voiced by Hugo Weaving, who must have had bills to pay). Sam's grandpappy found Megatron's body during one of his expeditions, frozen in ice. Inexplicably, his presence activated something within Megatron, which imprinted the Allspark's location on one of his eyeglass lenses. The reason both sides are searching for the Allspark is because it has the ability to turn inanimate tech into living robots like themselves...and Megatron wants to use it to build an army.
Once Sam heads home to look for the glasses(which coincidentally he has been attempting to sell on Ebay), a series of "comedic" incidents ensue, wherein the two-story tall Optimus and his group of loud robots attempt to keep from being spotted by Sam's parents! There are a couple of absolutely stupid scenes like this, which made me wonder if anyone on this bizarro-earth possesses even the slightest bit of peripheral vision.
The robots manage to stay out of sight, even when federal agent Simmons(John Turturro, also slumming in this flick) and a posse of feds show up to arrest Sam. There are high levels of radiation which the robots put out, which have been traced to Sam's house. Whether this radiation is actually deadly, or if folks can be treated if it is, is never explored beyond this point. This is a Michael Bay film, remember --and logic goes down faster than a hooker with a $20 bill in her hand.
With the help of the Autobots, Sam and everyone manage to escape. But then, the inept Bumblebee is captured by the feds, and Sam and Mikaela are also brought in. They are taken to Hoover Dam, which it turns out was built with the sole purpose of actually housing the frozen body of Megatron and the Allspark!(???) Sam manages to convince the Secretary of Defense that Bumblebee is friendly and to free him, and not a minute too soon: the Decepticons have reached the dam before the Autobots. Bumblebee reveals that the Allspark can transform itself, and...
Okay, look: even before this point, I was wishing that Michael Bay would at least have picked up a book of Science & Physics 101, and done more than looked at the pretty pictures. But now, when it's revealed that the Allspark can transform from a size of nearly two stories down into about a two foot box, my brain began to vomit! Where in the hell does all that mass go? And for that reason, how come any normal human being--especially Wimpmaster Sam--can pick it up? Even a Special Needs child would know that such a thing simply isn't possible--not even in a sci-fi adventure movie!
(I know, I know...stop looking for logic! It's Michael Bay!)
Anyway...Bumblebee flees the dam with Sam and Mikaela, with Megatron--who has never had contact with human technology before now, and thus would not have any idea of our current technology levels--transforming into a modern jet fighter and heading out in high pursuit! He and the other Decepticons pursue Bumblebee into the heart of a major city(no more hiding from those periphery-challenged humans now!) and the war is on. Jazz is killed fairly quickly(you know black robots never make it out of films like this alive) and Optimus and Megatron slug it out like there's no tomorrow.
Those logic points start taking a hit again, as occasional arcs of energy shoot out from the Allspark, animating everyday mechanical contrivances to life. For some unexplained reason, these devices automatically take on malicious traits, attacking people for no reason whatsoever. Of course, like the radiation output mentioned earlier, this is a theme which is never touched on again.
I won't give away the big reveal on how Megatron and his forces are stopped, suffice to say that they are. Mikaela and Sam have somehow grown closer, Optimus Prime vows to keep a watchful eye out for any more of his own kind coming to Earth, and the world is once again safe from all evil...until the next Michael Bay film opens.
I have to say, there were many, many more plot holes I could have piloted a starship through, but I won't. Primarily because no human being has enough time on their hands. What I will impart to you, at the last, is that Rod Hilton of the hysterically funny site The Editing Room said it best in his own Transformers parody: "It's a crime someone as breathtakingly stupid as Michael Bay gets to be so rich."
Sorry. Getting back to the movie now...
In disguise as an old sports car, the Autobot known as Bumblebee(voice of Mark Ryan) shows up at the lot and manages to ingratiate itself to Sam, whose dad agrees to buy it after Bumblee's stereo system blows out the windows of all the other cars, thereby leaving Mac with no recourse but to sell it to them. Thankfully, this is the end of Bernie Mac's only scene in the film. Meanwhile, in Iraq, a group of soldiers led by Captain Lennox(Josh Duhamel) are on patrol and are having Cute Interactive Dialogue to establish that they are friends as well as military comrades. However, there's a slight problem here as well with charcter establishment: as each of the troops reflects on what they're looking forward to most upon returning to the U.S., the only Hispanic soldier(Amaury Nolasco) tends to lapse into his native language when he gets a bit excited. Now yes, I have known Hispanic people who do this--but Bay has his other characters rebuke him, insisting upon two separate occasions that he speak English. Now, whether or not you or I or anyone else might share this view or even just think it, the oppression of another human being's right to speak their own language does not belong in a film like this(unless of course it's part of the central theme of the movie, or what the movie entire is about)!
Yeah, I know. Soapbox. But anyone who's read my review of that hideous shitfest Pulse over at lietv knows where I'm coming from.
The base where Lennox and his troops are stationed soon comes under attack by Scorpion, one of the Decepticons. Scorpion is using the attack as a distraction while the miniature Decepticon Starscream(voice of Charles Adler) uses the base's computer to search the Internet for info on the location of the Allspark. All the soldiers are killed, with the exception of Lennox and his men. They manage to severely damage Scorpion and eventually make it back to civilization and the aegis of the Secretary of Defense(played by Jon Voight), who with the help of an impossibly hot--and I do mean impossibly, because as soon as I saw her, I didn't believe her in this role for one second--computer hacker(Rachael Taylor) and Black Stereotype #952(the always unconvincing Anthony Anderson) have come to understand that Earth is facing imminent attack from alien visitors. One of the key leaps in logic comes into play here, when Taylor's character makes an assumption that the heretofore unseen aliens are based on biomech-anical technology. Keep in mind her assumption is based only on an intercepted Decepticon signal, and before any physical evidence has been presented by the soldiers who fought Scorpion.
Meanwhile, back in Unbelievable Land, nerdy Sam has managed to get Hot Chick Who Would Never In Real Life Date Someone Like Shia LeBeouf into his car, after she has taken pity on him for being picked on by her jock boy toy. Bumblebee pretends to break down, in order to spur an intended makeout session for Sam. This doesn't happen, as Mikaela instead focuses on fixing his car. Her dad was once a car booster, so she happens to know about engines. Bumblebee allows her to "fix" him and things go on their merry way...until later on, when Sam's car drives off in the dead of night by itself. Thinking his car is being boosted, he grabs a bike and gives chase, ultimately coming upon a battle between Bumblebee and one of the Decepticons. Sam brings Mikaela in on the know, and the duo are eventually introduced to the rest of the Autobots--Optimus, Ratchett (voiced by Robert Fox-worth) and, amazingly enough, Black Autobot Stereotype Jazz(voiced by Darius McCrary). How can an Autobot be a stereotype? Well, this one likes to play rap music, do hip-hop moves, has a black male's voice, and is called Jazz. It was at this point I considered walking out of the theater, but as a reviewer, I do have a duty to perform.
Optimus recaps the narrative of their origin from the beginning of the film (thereby rendering said opening narrative 100% unnecessary) and informs Sam that his explorer grandfather was actually the first to encounter the evil leader of the Decepticons, Megatron(voiced by Hugo Weaving, who must have had bills to pay). Sam's grandpappy found Megatron's body during one of his expeditions, frozen in ice. Inexplicably, his presence activated something within Megatron, which imprinted the Allspark's location on one of his eyeglass lenses. The reason both sides are searching for the Allspark is because it has the ability to turn inanimate tech into living robots like themselves...and Megatron wants to use it to build an army.
Once Sam heads home to look for the glasses(which coincidentally he has been attempting to sell on Ebay), a series of "comedic" incidents ensue, wherein the two-story tall Optimus and his group of loud robots attempt to keep from being spotted by Sam's parents! There are a couple of absolutely stupid scenes like this, which made me wonder if anyone on this bizarro-earth possesses even the slightest bit of peripheral vision.
The robots manage to stay out of sight, even when federal agent Simmons(John Turturro, also slumming in this flick) and a posse of feds show up to arrest Sam. There are high levels of radiation which the robots put out, which have been traced to Sam's house. Whether this radiation is actually deadly, or if folks can be treated if it is, is never explored beyond this point. This is a Michael Bay film, remember --and logic goes down faster than a hooker with a $20 bill in her hand.
With the help of the Autobots, Sam and everyone manage to escape. But then, the inept Bumblebee is captured by the feds, and Sam and Mikaela are also brought in. They are taken to Hoover Dam, which it turns out was built with the sole purpose of actually housing the frozen body of Megatron and the Allspark!(???) Sam manages to convince the Secretary of Defense that Bumblebee is friendly and to free him, and not a minute too soon: the Decepticons have reached the dam before the Autobots. Bumblebee reveals that the Allspark can transform itself, and...
Okay, look: even before this point, I was wishing that Michael Bay would at least have picked up a book of Science & Physics 101, and done more than looked at the pretty pictures. But now, when it's revealed that the Allspark can transform from a size of nearly two stories down into about a two foot box, my brain began to vomit! Where in the hell does all that mass go? And for that reason, how come any normal human being--especially Wimpmaster Sam--can pick it up? Even a Special Needs child would know that such a thing simply isn't possible--not even in a sci-fi adventure movie!
(I know, I know...stop looking for logic! It's Michael Bay!)
Anyway...Bumblebee flees the dam with Sam and Mikaela, with Megatron--who has never had contact with human technology before now, and thus would not have any idea of our current technology levels--transforming into a modern jet fighter and heading out in high pursuit! He and the other Decepticons pursue Bumblebee into the heart of a major city(no more hiding from those periphery-challenged humans now!) and the war is on. Jazz is killed fairly quickly(you know black robots never make it out of films like this alive) and Optimus and Megatron slug it out like there's no tomorrow.
Those logic points start taking a hit again, as occasional arcs of energy shoot out from the Allspark, animating everyday mechanical contrivances to life. For some unexplained reason, these devices automatically take on malicious traits, attacking people for no reason whatsoever. Of course, like the radiation output mentioned earlier, this is a theme which is never touched on again.
I won't give away the big reveal on how Megatron and his forces are stopped, suffice to say that they are. Mikaela and Sam have somehow grown closer, Optimus Prime vows to keep a watchful eye out for any more of his own kind coming to Earth, and the world is once again safe from all evil...until the next Michael Bay film opens.
I have to say, there were many, many more plot holes I could have piloted a starship through, but I won't. Primarily because no human being has enough time on their hands. What I will impart to you, at the last, is that Rod Hilton of the hysterically funny site The Editing Room said it best in his own Transformers parody: "It's a crime someone as breathtakingly stupid as Michael Bay gets to be so rich."
Transformers:
Less Than Meets The Eye
Worst shape-changing robot movie, ever!
"Yes, Shia--of course I find it 100% completely believ-able that someone like me would be attracted to you. Why do you ask?"
That sound you hear in theaters isn't clapping--it's women across America slapping their husbands and boyfriends, 'cause they know what they're thinking when they see Megan Fox bent over like this!
"Look at us, Jon! We used to be in good movies! What the hell happened to us?"
"I'm going to transform my foot up into my agent's ass for getting me stuck in this movie!"
"I'm an impossibly hot computer hacker, and you're a racial stereotype. Welcome to a Michael Bay movie!"
"Look at me! I'm the King of the World!"
Being in the army in a Michael Bay movie: it's not just a job...it's absolute misery.
Roller derby, Transformers style, baby!
Now that is a fart.
"Please, God...if you get me out of this movie and save my career, I swear I'll do anything you want!"
